ouch :(

Tonight was not a good night! Perhaps it is due to my nasty attitude/ranting earlier about my coworker…karma is a bitch!

Roomie and I went out this evening, and happened to be at the same bar, in the same area, as an ex-lover of mine; but not just any ex-lover–THE ex-lover.  What I mean by that is that he’s probably the only person I can honestly say broke my heart, and whom it still (several years later) hurts to think about.

We were both so young when we were together and it was a rather brief affair, so I cannot understand why every time I see him it sends me into freakout mode.  Still!

I loved him so much, and he was not my type in any way, yet the closeness between us made me forgive all of our apparent differences and I actually grew to find his weirdness endearing.  Generally speaking, I have a pretty difficult time “letting people in”, but he made me feel so comfortable and so loved that I felt like I was more myself than I’d ever been…not only in terms of romantic relationships, but in terms of all relationships.  He was my best friend and I probably put too much pressure on him in terms of using him as a therapeutic measure in my life, as I was going through a lot at the time, but the bottom line is that I loved him.

And what happened my friends?  He dumped me for another girl.  I am happy to admit that she is not too attractive, which gives me a little bit of consolation, but it still sucked big time.

Anyway, the reason why I’m in an awful mood now is that he and I haven’t spoken in a while and caught up tonight, and he tells me that he is going to law school and what am I doing?  This was very depressing for me because one of the reasons why things did not work between us was that he thought I was not serious enough, and the truth is that I have indeed had some trouble deciding upon the path for my professional future, this is a well-known fact to those close to me, and it’s a part of who I am but not necessarily something I am proud of and certainly not something I felt like telling him.

I know I need to be more serious; I’m not getting any younger and all of this existential questioning isn’t as fun or cute as it once was.  That said, I still don’t understand how the fuck I am supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life.  That is a longggggg time.

I just feel like a big loser tonight and want to cry because my ego is still bruised over him dumping me, and it is even more sad that I had to tell him I’m doing pretty much nothing and he was basically right in categorizing me the way he did, even though I still don’t think of myself as some sort of frivolous party girl.

There’s nothing worse than having someone call you out on the worst fears you have about yourself–I have always been somewhat of a goofy and not-so-serious person, and it is something I have worked on over the past few years, because let me tell you, giggling is highly looked down upon in academia (particularly if you are a woman).

It just reallly bummed me out to see him and have all this old pain brought up…I have had much more fulfilling relationships since that one, and I wouldn’t want to go back to it, but between the blow to my ego and the genuine affection I still feel for him, he really has the power to affect me more than he should.

However, one of my friends always says (and I think so do the authors of “He’s Just Not That Into You” since she’s like a living quotation from that book): Don’t get bitter, get better!!

So even though I am clearly quite bitter and upset over the events of this evening, I am going to channel it into proactivity by actually starting to look into med schools tomorrow, working out extra intensely, and plotting so that the next time I run into him, it will not be so terribly soul-crushing.

Did I mention I can be a bit dramatic?  Well, I can…especially when it comes to matters of emotion.

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep off this awful mood, goodnight!

xx Charlee

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