I know you’re all just DYING to know what I am doing every minute of the day. Well, do not fret! I shall tell you!
8:00 am – Alarm goes off, I press snooze
8:05 am – 12:00 pm – Press snooze and grumble a lot, perhaps yell at my roomie for disturbing my sleep
12:00 pm – Scream angrily at the sun. Drink red bull strategically placed next to bed to gather the strength to rise. Rise from bed and contemplate putting on robe. Walk to bathroom and admit self in several mirrors.
12:30 pm – Continue admiring self
1:00 pm – Shower
1:30 pm – Contemplate blow-drying hair and putting makeup on. Choose not to. Drink another red bull instead (or blow a line)
1:45 pm – Get coffee and newspaper. Think about how the world is ending and cry. Read “Dear Abby” column and think about how much people suck.
2:00 pm – Liquid lunch with friends
3:00 pm – Call trainer and apologise for missing my workout yet again. Apologise for telling doorman not to allow him to enter.
3:30 pm – Pine for lover
3:35 pm – Think about weather
4:00 pm – Happy hour! Meet up with people who have jobs/lives and talk about my day of productive writing, and how wonderful it was to spend the day creating something.
5:30 pm – Realise I have not checked email, etc. Decide it’s okay because I checked it all last month. Wander into stores, drunkenly.
6:00 pm – Purchase some type of ‘get up’ that makes me look like a weird hybrid of a vagabond and trust-fund baby
6:05 pm – Appreciate my crushing self-awareness
6:07 pm – Spot someone smoking, contemplate pulling a ninja move and stealing it, just for a few drags
6:09 pm – Resolve to drink a bunch of wine instead, opt not to chill with friends because I have ‘work to do’ and am ‘feeling inspired’
6:30 pm – Feel torn between watching pornography and the E network
7:00 pm – Choose E!, watch “Absurd White Trash – Dirty Jersey Edition”
7:04 pm – Loathe self
7:30 pm – Realise I haven’t eaten, munch crackers or something a la vodka
8:00 pm – Talk to lover, question my attraction to him, refuse to engage in cyber relations, deflect questions about my visit to see him
8:30 pm – More wine, more drunk-dialing
9:00 pm – Decide to get something done today, bust out laptop and stare at blank word processor screen
9:03 pm – Go on twitter/20sb/blogs/the superficial/ANYTHING instead
9:10 pm – Guzzle a few glasses of wine, wait for drunken inspiration to strike
9:15 pm – Roomie enters office with bong. Remind roomie, again, that I’m not smoking pot
9:20 pm – Write a sentence, feel accomplished. Take break.
10:00 pm – Decide I should get back to work
11:00 pm – Open word processor again, stare blankly
12:00 am – Decide that writing random stupid sh*t is better than writing nothing at all
3:00 am – Realise everything I’ve written is drunken nonsense, give up and curse existence
3:30 am – Strip down, call lover, talk about the meaninglessness of life. Hope he gets that I mean our relationship is meaningless and will soon be ending.
4:00 am – Get in bed.
4:10 am – Curse aromatherapy and its purported ability to induce sleep, call cokehead friends
5:00 am – Take Ambien that cokehead friends have brought with them, thank them for their generous giving spirits
6:00 am – Hallucinate until passing out
Should I bring this to my next therapy appointment? ;-)