Category Archives: whack attacks

He’s Just Not That Into You!

Ok I know this film came out a long time ago.

However, the fact that I have ADD, and, like, a life, means that I rarely get to see films, much less romantic comedies.  That said, I meant to see this film FOREVER, because it is one of my favourite books and probably the reason why all of my girl friends’ boyfriends hated me in college.  Whateva.

Anywho. The film was supa funny and is now one of my favourite films because it was hilariously awkward…in fact, it was even TOO AWKWARD at times.  Remember that I have a high awkwardness threshold friends, so when I say it was intense, I mean this bitch was whack.

Anyway, because I LOVE this book and because apparently some bitches is whack, I am devoting this posting to all my crazy bitches out there.

And in case you were wondering, my love of this book stems from the fact that I dated a guy who was just not that into me for about three years. I know, how tragic.

Well this is why I now like to run my mouth about keeping men in line, because sadly I failed to get the point that homeboy was not into me for way too long, and I know I’m not the only one who has done this.

About the book: it is set up according to excuses.  It is outlined by the excuses guys make because making excuses is easier than saying “I’m just not that into you.” As they put it in the book: He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.  And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Unfortunately, I do not know where my copy of this book is, I may have given it away or it may be in storage, so I obtained some excerpts and interpreted them accordingly.  You’re welcome.

The “He Is Super Busy Right Now” Excuse

Don’t let the “honeys” and the “babys” fool you.  His sweet nothings are exactly that.  They are much easier to say than “I’m just not that into you.”  Remember, actions speak louder than, “There’s no cell reception where I am right now.”

Calling when you say you’re going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust.  If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house, baby.  And it’s cold outside.

The “But He Just Needs Some Time” Excuse

Cut your losses and don’t waste your time .  Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don’t want to hear it?  Fine.  Here’s the answer you’re looking for, “Hang in there, baby.  He’s not the loser everybody’s telling you he is.  If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!”  But please don’t be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

The “He Is Just Shy” Excuse

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women.  We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you.  We feel rewarded when we do.

The “He Is Worried About Damaging The Friendship” Excuse

He will always be able to play the “friend” card on you.  He only  has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend.  He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.  He may be one of your closest friends, but I’m sorry to say … as a boyfriend, he’s just not that into you.

Beware of the word “friend”.  It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior.  Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

The “He Wants To Take It Slow” Excuse

I don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone.  I don’t want to be “kinda hanging out” with someone.  I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved.  I want to be involved.  I want to be sleeping with someone I know I’ll see again because they’ve already demonstarted to me that they’re trustworthy and honorable — and into me.

Alright I think my place in Heaven has now been reserved.  Please think about these wise words from Liz and Greg the next time your lova starts acting up, and if you are into praying or that sort of thing, I’d appreciate you putting in a good word for me because I have been sinning a lot lately and I am a little concerned.

x C

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under film, men, personal, random, whack attacks

big ups to my rodent friends

Today has been a very tragic day for me.

Basically, I grew up with five brothers.  It was pretty chill, except when I wanted to talk about flowers and princesses.  Enter my need for other friends.  So, after watching a number of Disney films, I decided that if I was nice enough to animals, they’d start speaking to me and become my friends…

sadly I am still working on this lifelong quest!  Apparently creatures are quite shy!

Sometimes my deep and enduring love for animals causes problems.

Like when I spent much of my free time during college collecting mouse traps around my dormitory and befriending the ‘pests’ – my friends quite enjoyed retelling these tales.  Once they got over their anger.

Also, LIKE TODAY.

I was at work when suddenly my coworker started screeching as though she’d taken a ninja star to the external jugular.  Accordingly, I ignored her.  Thus, she got up in my grill and explained that she’d seen a mouse and was pretty much grossly overreacting.  That said, I’m not going to lie, I am freakishly afraid of bugs, to the point where I actually moved house after seeing one because I became terrified of the place.  So yeah, I’ve got some crazy related to little unwanted houseguests (a term I coined/copyrighted in France because I didn’t know the word for mouse!  Terribly cleva, I know!) so I felt her pain.

However, I think mice are adorable and awesome little friends – but homegirl disagreed and wanted to get a mouse trap.  SO I offered to go, because I wanted to at the very least find a trap that would keep my new little buddy safe until we were reunited!

This is where things get really sad, so please be prepared with Kleenex…

when I got to the store, things took a very evil turn.  THERE WERE NO ‘HAVE A HEART’ TRAPS.  At this point, I felt I had a moral obligation to my coworker who was probably freaking out like a madwoman in my absence, and I knew going to another retail location would be unfair to her and her unnecessary anxiety.

SO, I HAD TO BETRAY THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.

Believe me friends, this gave me no joy, and I feel very guilty for this harsh backstabbing of my little mousey friend.

I really feel I had no choice but I would like to request that all who read this purchase the NON-HOMICIDAL traps if you find yourself dealing with some little animals in the future, AS A PERSONAL FAVOUR, SO THE COSMIC BALANCE OF THE UNIVERSE CAN BE RESTORED.

Thanks and have a great day!

x C

Leave a comment

Filed under personal, random, whack attacks, whatever

blogheads and blogcrushes and blogmances, oh my!

OKay not to worry, if you read my other post about “Alternative Engineering”, an explanation is coming!  I just have to write it…I’m working on some things that relate to that sort of mumbo-jumbo, so I thought I’d post some of it on here to see what feedback it got!

BUT today I am posting about my transition to the virtual world.

I’m quite embarrassed to admit this, but I am feeling a little bit middle-school-esque about revealing my recent leap into the ‘blogosphere’ (aka the gayest word of all time. Seriously, name one that is more lame in a really late-90s way.)  Even worse, I’m pretty sure I’d be shunned if I revealed my love of twitta.  Not really–but do I really want to defend my use of it?  Not really.  SO I just keep my trap shut.

Anyway along with the idea of things I’d never thought I would do (like starting a blog), I NEVER thought I’d even consider meeting an “internet friend” or anything like that.  This brings me to my next point–tomorrow, a bunch of my favourite bloggers are going to be in my neck of the woods.  But, I mean, what??  For all I know they could be a pack of pirates from Somalia, or eyeball-eating zombies, or some other extremely plausible shit like that.

BUT they’re all really hilarious in writing and probably cool people.  I just don’t know if I can bring myself to do something that seems so bizarre and unnatural to me (I know most people–or at least most people that would read this–probably don’t feel that way, but we must remember, I am not generally a tech-y chick!)

Another even more sad thing that I did not anticipate experiencing (and was unaware of the existence of) is a blog crush.  One of the first blogs I read was about a guy struggling with the ladies, and it was supa funny and written in an endearing manner.  Once I got over my personal embarrassment for such an absurd thing, it was no longer relevant BECAUSE homeboy hooked up with a girl whose blog I also read!  Yeah, wrap your mind around that one, blogheads.  Blogga-word is kinda like Martha’s. Except way weirder.

So I read both of these people’s blogs, and a) it feels a little weird/voyeuristic to be reading their impressions of a relationship that they’re both involved in AND know the other person reads.  I mean, I don’t think any relationship theorists accounted for these sorts of things when developing their notions about relationships…

and b) it seems like they’re both a little crazy.  I mean, would you EVER fly halfway across the country to meet someone you knew from THE INTERNET?  And maybe that’s romantic.  Fine.  But now the girl has gone back several times (in only a few weeks?) and wrote a blog post about how she wants to move…I mean, again, what?!  You’re really going to leave your life behind for someone you have known PERSONALLY for a very short time?

Maybe I’m cynical, but I’m starting to think there are some REAL nuts running around blogga world.  And hey, I’m far from sane (just ask my psychiatrist), but reading some of this shit is difficult for me to process any further than ‘holy shit, these people are so far outside my frame of reference (aka me) that I don’t even know what to think!’

But it’s entertaining! :) :) :)

Personally , I could never date someone who read my blog, because clearly most of the nonsense I ramble about on here is like one hundredth date material.  Or after you have realised one of you is pro-pirate and the other is pro-ninja, and you decide you still like each other. Or something.

Lover is on my case about reading this shizz, but mark my words blogheads, that will NEVER HAPPEN.  EVER.

Why?  Mostly because I like how funnily he acts regarding it.  Like it contains some sort of mysterious, ancient code.

The point is, blogs are very bizarre things, and I’m still trying to form my impressions of blogga world–it’s strange that blogs are relatively intimate ways of knowing someone, yet not knowing them at all, no?

I think it’s the latter part that is easy to forget, or sweep under the rug…hence the fact that a “blogmance” is probaby skewed from the start, since one’s conception of how well they know the other person is somewhat likely to be confused.  This might explain the behaviour of our zealous friends in bloglove.

OR maybe I’m just incredibly cynical and can’t accept that “love happens in many different ways” (or something else Meg Ryan would have typed in You’ve Got Mail.)

In other news, I’m getting geared up for my FAVOURITE HOLIDAY!  CINCO DE MAYO.  It is coming friends!  I encourage you to begin the celebratory procedures early.

Have a fab weekend!

x C

2 Comments

Filed under personal, random, ruminations, whack attacks

Alternative Engineering

Article by Stephen Novella, M.D.

A new phenomenon is sweeping the country, gaining the attention of both consumers and manufacturers alike. Increasingly disenchanted with the cold metallic world of modern technology, people are looking closely at more natural alternatives. Collectively called Alternative Engineering (“Alt Eng”), a host of new and old methods are gaining scientific and journalistic respectability.

Alec Waterstone is one such self-styled alternative engineer. He has no degree or formal training in engineering, which, he explains, is an advantage: “My thinking is not limited by mathematics, logic, or any stodgy old mechanistic paradigm. I do not have to pay homage to the likes of Newton or other Western male pedagogues. My complete lack of training frees me to consider unique and innovative solutions to engineering problems, unfettered by the annoying constraints of “reality.”

Energy-Based Bridges

Alec’s latest project is a design for a 1200-foot non-suspension bridge. He claims the bridge will be able to span this distance without pylons or overhead suspension, and will be supported only by the ancient art of Feng Shui. “This wisdom, which is thousands of years old, is the art of channeling energy through design and form. This energy can be used to support a 1200-foot bridge, or even larger structures.” City planners are intrigued by these designs, because such bridges will cost less than half as much as conventionally designed bridges.

Alec is also quick to point out that ancient Chinese documents reveal absolutely no accounts of collapsing suspension bridges. His technique’s safety record is, he argues, unparalleled. “How else would it have survived all these years if it didn’t work?

Anthony Trellis, a professor of engineering at State-of-the Art University, claims that Alec’s designs run contrary to basic principles of physics and materials science. An exasperated Trellis commented, “A bridge based upon Waterstone’s designs simply could not stand. It would be unsafe in the extreme.”

But Alec is not perturbed by such criticism. “Of course professor Trellis does not like my designs, because they challenge his precious status quo and turn his world upside-down. But the protectionism of the old guard is starting to crumble, like one of their obsolete buildings,” he retorted at a recent symposium for progressive thinkers who agreed that those who fail to jump on the bandwagon will be left behind. His talk to a standing-room-only crowd also accused the American Society of Civil Engineers, the steel industry, and other “vested interests” of trying to suppress his views.

Skeptics have suggested that before we spend millions of taxpayer dollars on such projects, and subject American motorists to the unknown risks of driving over a Waterstone bridge, Waterstone’s basic principles should at least be tested to see whether they work. This is especially true since his designs seem to run contrary to conventional wisdom. But Waterstone responds:

I”m too busy designing bridges to jump through some skeptic’s hoops. They will never be satisfied, anyway. The American motorists should be free to decide for themselves if they wish to drive over one of my bridges. I respect their intelligence and ability to make smart decisions for themselves. They don’t need to be told by some bureaucrat, or professor in an ivory tower, which bridges are safe and which are not.

Professor Trellis and other naysayers argue that individuals should not have to be scientists or engineers in order to drive safely over our bridges. Regulations are not designed to limit freedom, but to provide a basic level of safety and protection for the public. This attitude, however, is increasingly being dismissed as overly paternalistic and protective.

Intuitive Cars

Civil engineers are not the only ones gravitating toward the ancient wisdom of pre-technological societies. The auto industry is also catching on. Natural Designs is a new car company based in Kansas. Its president and CEO, Andy Wily, received a degree in engineering from Harvard 20 years ago, but was fired from his subsequent teaching position after excessive drug use nearly destroyed his life. Now he has returned with a new company and a new philosophy that many consumers find appealing.

“I am advocating a mixture of the best of modern scientific engineering with the antiscientific and superstitious ideas of earlier times,” explains Wily. “I call this approach Integrative Engineering.”

What has this new approach created? Natural Design’s newest model sedan, the Millennium 2000, does not use air bags, or even seatbelts. “Seat belts are dangerous, and air bags are kid-killers,” complains Wily. So he has come up with something better. The interior of the Millennium 2000 is coated with a patented psychoactive material, called Natural Safe. “All a driver or passenger has to do is think safe thoughts, and this miraculous material will do the rest. In a crash, the material will gently repel any safe thinking person in the vehicle, leaving them free from injury,” Wily asserts.

When skeptics point to deaths or disability for Millennium 2000 passengers, Wily replies that the passengers clearly weren’t thinking as “safely” as they should have been. “Besides,” he adds, “the Millennium 2000 only goes 50 miles per hour on a good day with a happy wind behind it. If the motorists who were killed had been driving something developed by the International Automaker’s Cartel like a Ford or Chevy, they’d have been traveling much faster with an even greater chance of death. When Ford quits murdering thousands of people a year on our highways, then their complaints about us will look like something besides protecting market share. In fact, we have a study right here that shows that if everyone quit driving tomorrow, the death rate would go down in America! Until we can convince the American people of the millions killed needlessly by modern ‘automotive science’, Natural Safe remains the safest choice.”

Many consumers are convinced. Not to be outdone, GM and Ford both have started putting Natural Safe coatings in their cars. Amy Zinger, of Arkansas, survived a 40 mph head-on collision in one such vehicle. “I was wearing my seat belt, and the air bag did deploy, but I know it was the Natural Safe that saved my life,” she asserted recently. “Besides,” she points out, “If it didn’t work, they wouldn’t be allowed to sell it.” Motivated by such testimonials, more and more consumers are insisting on only buying cars treated with Natural Safe.

One problem faced by Natural Designs, however, is that outdated safety regulations, such as those requiring seatbelts, do not account for these new integrative designs. Recently, however, this has all changed. Senator Hackem, from Natural Design’s home state of Iowa, has pushed through legislation that will exempt manufacturers that use Alternative or Integrative principles from regulations designed to protect consumers. This was hailed as a great step forward.

Still, hard-headed skeptics will not go away. “All I’m asking for is a simple crash test” exclaimed noted skeptic, Perry DeAngelis. “If the stuff really works, heck, I’ll buy it.” Skeptics have been increasingly calling for such tests, arguing that testing should take place before implementation, especially when human lives are at stake.

But Wily explains why such tests won’t work. “Crash dummies are not people. The psychoactive material will therefore not respond to them. The fact is, these innovative designs cannot be subjected to the same testing and principles as traditional engineering. But consumers who drive our cars feel safer. How can you argue with that.”

Still, DeAngelis points to recent studies which seem to indicate that drivers of Wily’s cars are twice as likely to die in a crash as are drivers of conventional vehicles. But Wily merely scoffs, “What are you going to believe, numbers on a piece of paper, or people?”

Political Achievement

Despite the skeptics, Alternative Engineering seems here to stay. Wily has just been named chairman of the new Integrative Engineering Department at Zones University, where he hopes to train the next generation of engineers in his philosophy. Meanwhile, Senator Hackem has pushed through Congress a bill to create Center for Alternative Engineering. This new office will divert money being wasted on maintaining this country’s infrastructure and use it to study and promote alternative principles in engineering.

Finally, in what is characterized as a landmark coup in the making, the Canadian College of Rainbow-Coloured Integrative Engineering — after spending more than 100 years as a scientific pariah — is finalizing negotiations to become part prestigious Dork University. Despite howls of dismay from Dork’s math and science faculty and several Nobel laureates, Dork’s Senate has pushed onward with its plans for affiliation. The $25 million dollars that the Integrative Engineers have promised to give the University has not, according to Dork’s President, influenced the deal. The president characterized critics of Integrative Engineering as “crybabies” who espouse “long disproven misinformation” about Alternative Engineering.

____________

Dr. Novella is an Assistant Professor of Neurology at Yale University School of Medicine and an Associate Editor of the Scientific Review of Alternative Medicine.

5 Comments

Filed under random, ruminations, whack attacks

my very own FML

I’ve been kind of a delinquent blogga, for this I am sorry.  There’s been tons of shizz going down in my life, and I haven’t really had the opportunity to reflect on any of it yet, so it seems a bit preemptive to try to write about it!

the demon child

the demon child

Nonetheless, I’d like to share a story with my dear blogheads.

Last weekend, I was chilling with Lover’s evil family.  There is one person I like in his family, and that would be his 8 year old nephew.  I really miss working with children and the levity they inject into my life, and Lover’s nephew is pretty much the only kid I know, so I’m forever kidnapping him from his parents (read: nanny)  to encourage  diabetes and watch children’s films (since no one else will watch them with me/engage in deep discussions on the awesomeness of gummy things.)  So, homeboy and I chill quite a bit.

Anyway, he came up to me during the family gathering/phony fest, and asked me if I wanted to play a game with him.  I replied with, ‘Don’t ask me!  I hate kids!!’…assuming that an 8 year old would understand the subtleties of my sardonic nature.  Lover tells me this is where I went wrong.

I’m still not 100% sure but I think the bugga was trying to punk me, because when dinner time rolled around, the little rugrat decided to yell loudly in front of about 20 people, ‘I’m not sitting next to her!  She hates kids!  She told me!’

Everyone just stared at me as though I were docta evil, except for Lover of course, who started laughing.  This obviously made us look even more normal.  I just said, “I was kidding…” awkwardly and sat down.

What I really wanted to say: fuck my life.

Going forward, I shall refrain from trying to amuse myself by saying cracked out shit to eight year olds.

x C

3 Comments

Filed under whack attacks, whatever

verbatim

Weird shit people have said to me recently.

“It’s not that you’re a bitch…you’re just…overly nonchalant.”


Well, you sure seem to enjoy drinking quite a bit!” (weird attempt at conversing by Marley’s unlikely lover, whom I hardly know and did not wish to talk to)


“You were such a weird child…and then I signed you up to become a cheerleader, because I thought that would make you more normal…(awkward trail off)” — Mother


“You were purposely trying to use words she doesn’t know!” –My brother, in reference to his wife not knowing the word “optimal”


“If you suck, you suck.” (note: this was not meant hypothetically, but said rather cheerfully)


…and people wonder why I tend to make rude facial expressions so often! It’s also hard to properly capture the absurdity of these statements without the applicable tone of voice/being able to see the person saying them, but yeah, what a whack attack, right?

How the fuck do you even reply to these comments?  People are ridiculous.

x C

12 Comments

Filed under random, whack attacks, whatever