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f my life

Firstly, if you have missed out on the brilliance of this website, then I suggest you check out fmylife.com!  It is quite hilarious, and totally my sense of humour, as there is nothing I find more amusing that the absurdity of everyday life.

Secondly…my apologies for being a delinquent blogga.  I spent the majority of last week paying for my one day of freedom with extreme productivity and also dealt with a bit of an internal conflict regarding the concept of keeping a weblog.  But I’m chillin’ now…so it is all good.

Thirdly, the past week or so has been overflowing with manly misadventures so  I suppose I shall update you on what has gone down!

I made the rainbow cake (which will be a tale for another day) for Mason and he kind of freaked out…he made such a big deal out of it that I didn’t really know what to say or do.  I am generally immune to awkwardness, but I didn’t really think it was a huge deal, and he acted like I’d given him a kidney.  Marley told me this was because I was ‘clearly declaring my love for him, à la Napoleon Dynamite’ (in the film Napoleon’s sidekick with a poor grasp of the English language, Pedro, suggests that in order to ask a girl to a dance, Napoleon “bake her a cake or something”).  This left me feeling like a big dork, a sentiment that was only made worse the day after Mason’s party when my coworker Theresa commented that Mason ‘looked like he was going to cry’ when I gave him the cake.  Not exactly the reaction I was going for.

This strange situation was further compounded by the fact that I had to work Saturday night–I had volunteered to work on Valentine’s Day because I’m not the biggest fan of said cheesefest and especially of the behaviour it tends to induce in Mr. Martini, although I was no more interested in spending the “holiday” with any of the other men in my life right now.  Not to mention, I knew most of my coworkers were in relationships so I thought it would be nice if they could have the night off to recite poetry and listen to Sinatra.  See, I’m not entirely bitter!

However, Mason switched shifts with someone so that we could work together Saturday night…so that ‘my Valentine’s Day wouldn’t completely suck’.  I thought this was very sweet, and was quite excited that we’d be spending the evening together–even if it were to be spent at work.  After the cake incident, though, I was a bit weirded out about this, especially since he has a girlfriend–I imagine they are on the verge of breaking up, but nonetheless, I’m not trying to spend singles awareness day with someone who is not single…

Then there’s Mr. Martini, who spent the weekend here despite my numerous reminders that I would not be available on Saturday, and true to form, planned a super over-the-top date for Friday night.

Unfortunately, one of my very best friends was dumped by her EVIL boyfriend on Thursday.  Yup, you read that correctly.  Her boyfriend of five years broke up with her right before Valentine’s Day.  I cannot tell you how angry this makes me, but I am comforted by the fact that I know karma will come back to bite him in his sorry ass.

So, considering that my friend was feeling a bit psycho-crazy, I thought it best to not leave her alone Friday night…however, I also felt awful cancelling on Mr. Martini.  So, I told him what was up, and because he is so crazy awesome, he said that she could come along.  I also felt like getting her out and about and wined and dined would be good for her morale.  And my dear, sweet, Mr. Martini was so very cool about it and even got roses and chocolate for my friend.  How nice is that?  I was really happy that he was so nice about her crashing because we hadn’t seen each other in a while and I think he was looking forward to some intense romance…but, he was perfectly kind and understanding, he even listened to my friend moan throughout the entire evening and was totally sincerely sympathetic and comforting.  It made me appreciate him so much more, because I know he isn’t particularly fond of this friend and we haven’t been on the best terms, and the fact that he was so sweet about the whole thing was just incredibly endearing.

Blah blah blah, this entry is boring me…

To sum things up, Mason and I had fun making fun of the yucky couples on Valentine’s Day, and my girlfriend joined in, as she chilled at the coffee shoppe all night so she would not be ‘drowning in an ocean of tears’ as she so nonchalantly put it.  Then, the three of us went out and drank massive amounts of tequila and continued to have a number of laughs at the expense of Cupid et al.

However, tequila has long been an enemy of mine, something I conveniently forget all-too-often, and upon approaching Mr. Martini’s hotel, I felt the uncontrollable impulse to tell the cab driver I needed to get out.  It is true, I showed up at my (ex) lover’s hotel room at 2 am on Valentine’s Day, exceptionally intoxicated.  How tragic am I?

Mr. Martini was awake and seemed pleased to see me, although I do believe he was somewhat taken aback by my drunken state as I tend to be on my best behaviour in his presence.  I don’t recall much but I believe I went to sleep straightaway, presumably after confessing my undying love and devotion to him.  The next morning, I awoke quite late and probably looking somewhat reminiscent of roadkill, to an awesome champagne breakfast (I obviously skipped the bubbly) and Mr. Martini smirking at me and inquiring as to when we were going to ‘talk about last night’.  I believe I told him “never”, and left it at that–truthfully, I kind of wish that Mr. Martini had skipped the very sweet gesture of ordering breakfast because I was probably blushing throughout the meal and really, really just wanted to leave.

But it gets better.  I arrived at work yesterday to discover that Mason and my friend had spent the night together, ‘but nothing happened.’  My friend confirmed this supposed innocence, but  it’s kind of the latest turn-off in a string of unappealing actions for Mason–not least of all because I think it highly inappropriate for someone with a girlfriend to be sharing a bed with anyone…and certainly not my best friend who just had her heart broken.  Although he tells me “she said she just didn’t want to be alone” and he “felt bad”, to me this screams of shadiness.  Perhaps I am imagining it though…maybe they’re both just oddballs. In any case, it makes me think to myself, “fuck my life”.

So tonight I must face Mr. Martini…and I am really embarrassed because I unfortunately have very little recollection of the other night.  Boo!

…f my life. :)

I hope everyone out there in blogga-land had a fantastic Valentine’s Day, devoid of drunken debauchery and intoxicated impromptu sonnets!

xx Charlee

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I’m so vain??

Haha, an old lover used to sing that Carly Simon song to me all the time.  Alas, he was incorrect in his accusations because I am not vain.  In fact, I think I am less vain than most women out there!

Anyway I’d like to apologize for my minor freakout blog postings yesterday–I was really caught off guard by Mr. Martini sending me such a forward message, not to mention the fact that insomnia interferes with proper brain function.

However, I have still not responded to Mr. Martini because I just don’t know what to say–I feel a bit rude, but he had to know when asking me that I may not respond.

On to the present moment, in which I am struggling with my vanity.  I generally don’t fancy myself a very superficial person, but BC has been texting me today and wanting to go out tonight, and whilst pondering this possibility, I realised that I would not be pondering it if it were not for his extreme hottness.  Which is sad, I think.

In my defense, I have gone out on dates before with guys who were amazingly beautiful, but whom conversing with made me want to barf.  Hence, I did not go on second dates with them.  So I’m not entirely hopeless.

And BC is cool.  He’s an interesting and intelligent guy–it’s just that, being the self-aware chick that I am (read with sarcasm), I know if he were not so devastatingly good-looking, I wouldn’t be into him.  I guess it kind of makes sense though because I’ve already established that I’m not into his personality…

Hmph.  Sorry to burden you, dearest weblog reader, with my manly ruminations–I’m starting to feel like I’m writing chick lit.  This is not a good feeling!  However, I am going through various phases of uncertainty regarding the men in my life so to write about it is a natural thing and I think (?) somewhat helpful in fleshing out my thoughts.

Anyway I’m posting up in a coffee shop right now (not my own) because I’ve decided to take a few courses this semester and I’m waiting around this part of town until they start–I’ve always wanted to learn some extra languages in my spare time, and I realised (a) there’s no time like the present and (b) my lazy ass is probably never going to get on that unless I have a class forcing me to do so.  So I’m taking Spanish and ASL (I already speak French)–I’d like to take Arabic, but I thought perhaps that would be too ambitious with my other commitments at this time.

So what do you think?  Does giving BC the time of day simply because he’s hot make me vain?

I think it does…might have to call the ex and tell him he was right after all…

xx Charlee

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ouch :(

Tonight was not a good night! Perhaps it is due to my nasty attitude/ranting earlier about my coworker…karma is a bitch!

Roomie and I went out this evening, and happened to be at the same bar, in the same area, as an ex-lover of mine; but not just any ex-lover–THE ex-lover.  What I mean by that is that he’s probably the only person I can honestly say broke my heart, and whom it still (several years later) hurts to think about.

We were both so young when we were together and it was a rather brief affair, so I cannot understand why every time I see him it sends me into freakout mode.  Still!

I loved him so much, and he was not my type in any way, yet the closeness between us made me forgive all of our apparent differences and I actually grew to find his weirdness endearing.  Generally speaking, I have a pretty difficult time “letting people in”, but he made me feel so comfortable and so loved that I felt like I was more myself than I’d ever been…not only in terms of romantic relationships, but in terms of all relationships.  He was my best friend and I probably put too much pressure on him in terms of using him as a therapeutic measure in my life, as I was going through a lot at the time, but the bottom line is that I loved him.

And what happened my friends?  He dumped me for another girl.  I am happy to admit that she is not too attractive, which gives me a little bit of consolation, but it still sucked big time.

Anyway, the reason why I’m in an awful mood now is that he and I haven’t spoken in a while and caught up tonight, and he tells me that he is going to law school and what am I doing?  This was very depressing for me because one of the reasons why things did not work between us was that he thought I was not serious enough, and the truth is that I have indeed had some trouble deciding upon the path for my professional future, this is a well-known fact to those close to me, and it’s a part of who I am but not necessarily something I am proud of and certainly not something I felt like telling him.

I know I need to be more serious; I’m not getting any younger and all of this existential questioning isn’t as fun or cute as it once was.  That said, I still don’t understand how the fuck I am supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life.  That is a longggggg time.

I just feel like a big loser tonight and want to cry because my ego is still bruised over him dumping me, and it is even more sad that I had to tell him I’m doing pretty much nothing and he was basically right in categorizing me the way he did, even though I still don’t think of myself as some sort of frivolous party girl.

There’s nothing worse than having someone call you out on the worst fears you have about yourself–I have always been somewhat of a goofy and not-so-serious person, and it is something I have worked on over the past few years, because let me tell you, giggling is highly looked down upon in academia (particularly if you are a woman).

It just reallly bummed me out to see him and have all this old pain brought up…I have had much more fulfilling relationships since that one, and I wouldn’t want to go back to it, but between the blow to my ego and the genuine affection I still feel for him, he really has the power to affect me more than he should.

However, one of my friends always says (and I think so do the authors of “He’s Just Not That Into You” since she’s like a living quotation from that book): Don’t get bitter, get better!!

So even though I am clearly quite bitter and upset over the events of this evening, I am going to channel it into proactivity by actually starting to look into med schools tomorrow, working out extra intensely, and plotting so that the next time I run into him, it will not be so terribly soul-crushing.

Did I mention I can be a bit dramatic?  Well, I can…especially when it comes to matters of emotion.

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep off this awful mood, goodnight!

xx Charlee

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Mr. Martini

I love him!

Well perhaps that’s a bit of a preemptive proclamation, but I was feeling as though a large part of the smitten feeling I was experiencing last night was due to the alcohol, however, as it turns out, I awoke this morning wanting to see him again today.  However I doubt that shall happen because I have tons of things to do!

Alright so a little bit about Mr. Martini–I decided to give him this name because 1)he is a very private person and I’m sure he would be upset by me sharing private details using his real name, and 2) he kind of reminds me of “Mr. Big” from the programme/film “Sex and The City.”  Although he is much, much cuter and not a jerk. :) And he loves martinis more than anyone I’ve ever met (he started drinking them when he was 17–no joke! Gin at 17…niceeee.)

Mr. Martini and I met when we were both seeing other people, and the circumstances under which we met were pretty odd, but I’m going to leave that out for now, lest I be judged for my uncharacteristically questionable decision-making.  When we met, it was truly a “love at first sight” thing–never in my life have I been so drawn to and attracted to someone completely instantaneously–of course I cannot say I loved him right away, because when we met I loved my boyfriend, obviously, but the connection has been there from day one for us.  However for a number of reasons a romantic relationship would have been inappropriate, so we became very good friends; after a while I think we mutually felt as though we could no longer ignore the intensity of the energy between us, and we ended our respective relationships and began dating.

Mr. Martini is not only amazingly cool and kind, he is truly the most brilliant person I’ve ever met–and I say this because he is a genius by even the most objective standards (to name a few–he’s been published several times, holds a PhD from a very prestigious Ivy League uni, and is all-around astoundingly well-educated and well-informed).  We met when he was a grad student and I an undergrad at the same university, and we dated until last summer, when he was spending the summer in Greece, and I was spending the summer with my family due to the illness of a family member…we tried the long-distance thing for a while, but considering our different places in life, it just didn’t seem like the best choice any longer.

Needless to say, I have never really gotten over Mr. Martini and the intense bond that we share–he is the only person whom I’ve ever felt could practically read my mind, and the only person with whom I can have lengthy conversations and never once–not even for a split second–feel bored or annoyed or uncomfortable.  He’s just a really amazing person and the first person that really made me want to give up the single life and my freedom (as opposed to other relationships where I have felt I “owed” this to the other person).

Anyway, I assumed last night was going to be a very casual, friendly dinner and it turned into something very different.  Mr. Martini was being uncharacteristically affectionate all night, and after the film (and perhaps the emotions it stirred up), and a few extra-dry martinis, he began talking about how our age difference was the reason why things hadn’t worked out–he realised I needed to be with other people, I’m so young, blah blah blah.  I do agree with Mr. Martini on the point that I’m not looking to settle down, but he followed up these comments with the fact that he’s “thinking of getting a place in town [and ‘town’ aka the city where I reside happens to have pretty much the most expensive real estate ever] so that we can spend more time together”.  Whatttt?

I wasn’t really sure how to respond to all of this, and unsure of his sincerity since we haven’t really spoken for the past few months since we more or less ended things in August.  Mr. Martini is a very casual, cool dude, so these statements were especially weird coming from him.  Luckilyy, he’s also quite perceptive because my reaction (or lack thereof) to his rather bold statements caused him to take it easy for the rest of the night.

I’m just not sure about him; I absolutely adore Mr. Martini, but it was completely odd and unexpected for him to act the way he did last night.  A big part of me thinks it might have just been the mood the film put him in, because I have never seen him act that way before.  Then again, I also have not seen him since we ended things (long story).

I am at work right now however so I really should not be writing in my weblog…I’m working with Danielle, the boss’s daughter, so she is probably going to snitch on me for slacking on the job.  Oh well.

Later,

Charlee

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