Tag Archives: lovers

I’m so vain??

Haha, an old lover used to sing that Carly Simon song to me all the time.  Alas, he was incorrect in his accusations because I am not vain.  In fact, I think I am less vain than most women out there!

Anyway I’d like to apologize for my minor freakout blog postings yesterday–I was really caught off guard by Mr. Martini sending me such a forward message, not to mention the fact that insomnia interferes with proper brain function.

However, I have still not responded to Mr. Martini because I just don’t know what to say–I feel a bit rude, but he had to know when asking me that I may not respond.

On to the present moment, in which I am struggling with my vanity.  I generally don’t fancy myself a very superficial person, but BC has been texting me today and wanting to go out tonight, and whilst pondering this possibility, I realised that I would not be pondering it if it were not for his extreme hottness.  Which is sad, I think.

In my defense, I have gone out on dates before with guys who were amazingly beautiful, but whom conversing with made me want to barf.  Hence, I did not go on second dates with them.  So I’m not entirely hopeless.

And BC is cool.  He’s an interesting and intelligent guy–it’s just that, being the self-aware chick that I am (read with sarcasm), I know if he were not so devastatingly good-looking, I wouldn’t be into him.  I guess it kind of makes sense though because I’ve already established that I’m not into his personality…

Hmph.  Sorry to burden you, dearest weblog reader, with my manly ruminations–I’m starting to feel like I’m writing chick lit.  This is not a good feeling!  However, I am going through various phases of uncertainty regarding the men in my life so to write about it is a natural thing and I think (?) somewhat helpful in fleshing out my thoughts.

Anyway I’m posting up in a coffee shop right now (not my own) because I’ve decided to take a few courses this semester and I’m waiting around this part of town until they start–I’ve always wanted to learn some extra languages in my spare time, and I realised (a) there’s no time like the present and (b) my lazy ass is probably never going to get on that unless I have a class forcing me to do so.  So I’m taking Spanish and ASL (I already speak French)–I’d like to take Arabic, but I thought perhaps that would be too ambitious with my other commitments at this time.

So what do you think?  Does giving BC the time of day simply because he’s hot make me vain?

I think it does…might have to call the ex and tell him he was right after all…

xx Charlee


Filed under men, personal, ruminations


coffee stainSo, dearest weblog reader, I chose to solve my ethical dilemma via the old “have your cake and eat it too” strategy. I decided to reschedule hanging out with Mason for Friday and go out with Mr. Martini on Saturday.

It’s been terribly, and I do mean terribly, cold outside in my geographical region and I wanted to have a wing woman, naturally, so I decided to have Mason and Chad come to our place for dinner and drinks on Friday. All was going well, when Mason decided to tell me that he “was kind of hoping we could be alone” because he had something to tell me. Well, I didn’t know how to take that, but then he dropped the bomb on me that he didn’t know how to tell me but he had been wanting to quit for a while, but “then he realized we can still hang out outside of work”, and that this realization had led him to feel that there is no reason not to quit.

So, the one person at work who is not currently under the care of a psychiatrist nor in need of mental help is QUITTING! Leaving me with the psychos. Naturally.

I was clearly very excited to hear this news–but I must confess that I had the odd sensation (perhaps in part due to his tone of voice and demeanor) that I was being broken up with. He is my work lover (also known colloquially as “work spouse” or “work boyfriend“) and it did in some ways reflect “the talk” between soon to be ex-lovers.  Yes, I do on occasion want to have him as an actual lover, but he’s also the person at work whom I can always bitch to, gossip to, and whom I genuinely like–therefore, imagining work without him makes me frown.

Naturally, I’m quite upset over this recent development.

So now I am going to go eat my feelings and console myself with pizza (naturally).


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ouch :(

Tonight was not a good night! Perhaps it is due to my nasty attitude/ranting earlier about my coworker…karma is a bitch!

Roomie and I went out this evening, and happened to be at the same bar, in the same area, as an ex-lover of mine; but not just any ex-lover–THE ex-lover.  What I mean by that is that he’s probably the only person I can honestly say broke my heart, and whom it still (several years later) hurts to think about.

We were both so young when we were together and it was a rather brief affair, so I cannot understand why every time I see him it sends me into freakout mode.  Still!

I loved him so much, and he was not my type in any way, yet the closeness between us made me forgive all of our apparent differences and I actually grew to find his weirdness endearing.  Generally speaking, I have a pretty difficult time “letting people in”, but he made me feel so comfortable and so loved that I felt like I was more myself than I’d ever been…not only in terms of romantic relationships, but in terms of all relationships.  He was my best friend and I probably put too much pressure on him in terms of using him as a therapeutic measure in my life, as I was going through a lot at the time, but the bottom line is that I loved him.

And what happened my friends?  He dumped me for another girl.  I am happy to admit that she is not too attractive, which gives me a little bit of consolation, but it still sucked big time.

Anyway, the reason why I’m in an awful mood now is that he and I haven’t spoken in a while and caught up tonight, and he tells me that he is going to law school and what am I doing?  This was very depressing for me because one of the reasons why things did not work between us was that he thought I was not serious enough, and the truth is that I have indeed had some trouble deciding upon the path for my professional future, this is a well-known fact to those close to me, and it’s a part of who I am but not necessarily something I am proud of and certainly not something I felt like telling him.

I know I need to be more serious; I’m not getting any younger and all of this existential questioning isn’t as fun or cute as it once was.  That said, I still don’t understand how the fuck I am supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life.  That is a longggggg time.

I just feel like a big loser tonight and want to cry because my ego is still bruised over him dumping me, and it is even more sad that I had to tell him I’m doing pretty much nothing and he was basically right in categorizing me the way he did, even though I still don’t think of myself as some sort of frivolous party girl.

There’s nothing worse than having someone call you out on the worst fears you have about yourself–I have always been somewhat of a goofy and not-so-serious person, and it is something I have worked on over the past few years, because let me tell you, giggling is highly looked down upon in academia (particularly if you are a woman).

It just reallly bummed me out to see him and have all this old pain brought up…I have had much more fulfilling relationships since that one, and I wouldn’t want to go back to it, but between the blow to my ego and the genuine affection I still feel for him, he really has the power to affect me more than he should.

However, one of my friends always says (and I think so do the authors of “He’s Just Not That Into You” since she’s like a living quotation from that book): Don’t get bitter, get better!!

So even though I am clearly quite bitter and upset over the events of this evening, I am going to channel it into proactivity by actually starting to look into med schools tomorrow, working out extra intensely, and plotting so that the next time I run into him, it will not be so terribly soul-crushing.

Did I mention I can be a bit dramatic?  Well, I can…especially when it comes to matters of emotion.

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep off this awful mood, goodnight!

xx Charlee

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